SIGH. I had a rough morning.
Mornings are a challenge in general because I have to get all three kids ready and out the door so we can drop Molly off at school. Those of you who have me on facebook know how much I love the #$&*(%& drop off process at that school, and specifically the parking lot lady (who I recently found out is the school social worker – what a lovely person to have chosen to tangle with). Its not my favorite time of day.

Molly all ready to go in her Daisy uniform! I had to iron on the patches and of course I did it wrong the first time.
I do have neighbors that have offered to help me by taking Molly in the mornings, but I kind of like the structure that having a goal time to be out the door provides to us. Otherwise I think Lilly, Kevin and I would flounder around in our pajamas, starving, and without aim for most of the day. This way we get dressed and out the door and have the mornings open to meet up with friends, run errands, etc.. until we need to come home for lunch and naps.
I also like to get a coffee after drop off.
(“Mommy Juice” as Lilly calls it.)
SO anyways, I hate myself today because I really lost it on Molly this morning and I am feeling just TERRIBLE about it. See, we are having a heat wave here (sarcasm) and its in the mid 30’s this week. So the kids are just having a BLAST at recess playing in the snow pack that is still frozen on the ground, while the air temperature is so pleasant.
Pleasant anyways, in comparison to when those poor kids have to go out to recess when its 5 degrees – yes 5 degrees – and they pretty much just stand in a huddle until they unlock the doors and let them back in.
So anyways, to be allowed to play in the snow the children have to have snow pants and boots in addition to the daily requirements of hats and gloves. And this new snow play is where we run into problems with the gloves. I do not have waterproof gloves that fit Molly because by the time I got out of the hospital and was up and around after having Kevin, they were sold out EVERYWHERE and they don’t tend to restock them much for reasons I will never understand. I mean its cold here until MAY for goodness sakes. Doesn’t anyone ever need gloves beyond December!??? At this point I will have to go to REI and spend $30 or something ridiculous like that but I just have not had the time to get out there with 2 babies in tow, so I have been telling Molly to double up on knit gloves while playing in the snow until we can get her a good pair of snow gloves.
Okay, so now, with that explanation out of the way, I will get to the meat of my story.
Molly -vs- her seatbelt is a rivalry of epic proportions. Every day she struggles to strap herself in and I honestly do not know why. She is so very smart in general but just loses it when she has to buckle in. It has been this way for almost 2 years now – ever since she moved to a booster seat. In the winter, this process is complicated even further due to heavy jackets, hats covering our eyes, and of course gloves. I refuse to buckle it for her because; A) she is 5 and B) I am not crawling over two babies to get to the back row of the van.
So this morning I sat patiently waiting for her as she had her daily struggle with her belt. This was already after a pretty rough morning of her being defiant about what she wore, how long it took to brush her teeth, what order we all get into the van, etc…After about 6 minutes of her crying, whining, and making this frustrated growl that is one of the most irritating noises ever created on earth and immediately raises my blood pressure even on a good day, I suggested she might want to take her gloves off and try buckling herself in with just her hands. I got back: “NO! They are too hard to get back on! And don’t talk to me!”. Lovely. I was at my boiling point.
So 4 more minutes pass and I say to her (again patiently I SWEAR), “Molly honey, we are already late for school so you have to just get it done please”. At which point she took that buckle and FLUNG it as far in my direction as it would go until it reached the end of its tether (a terrifying 4 inches away from Kevin’s sweet little head in the seat in front of her) and whipped back and hit her in the face. Then she made that growl noise again.
UGH THAT NOISE!
Well I just lost it. I mean I REALLY LOST IT! In general I think I am doing really well with the adjustment to three – and to having 2 kids under 2, but times like this is when the snap happens. This is where the cracks in the foundation show. I can only hold my sanity for SO LONG on such little sleep.
I jumped out of the car, slammed the van door open, STOMPED into the van and into the back and I ripped her gloves off of her hands for her. When I realized she was wearing the other pair of gloves that is supposed to be for recess UNDER the top pair, I SAW RED (I had already told her NOT to wear both pairs except at recess because she is not able to zip her jacket with both pairs on and I already have to zip Kevin and Lilly and refuse to zip up a 5 year old too). I then leaned over and just buckled the buckle for her while I YELLED very loud at her for not listening to me. She started wailing.
Then I very maturely stomped out of the van and got back in the drivers side, slamming both doors in the process.
Yes that is right people – I punished my 5 year old for reacting with all that frustration, whining, and tantruming when things didn’t go her way, by throwing a tantrum of my own because things were not going my way.
I am awesome.
And then as I started to reverse out of the driveway she said the most horrible thing ever:
“Ow Mommy! that hurt!”
Oh crap. HOLY CRAP. I seriously wanted to DIE. I kept it together until she got out of the car and then I cried all the way to Lilly’s playgroup, and now, hours later I STILL feel like the lowest of the low.
The thing is, I am carrying some guilt around lately because Molly is really the one bearing the brunt of this new baby and its REALLY bothering me how mean I seem to be towards her lately. I just have no patience for her dramatics. See, I can not yell at two babies all day, and Matt is never here because of his work schedule right now (and when he is here he is just a top of a head we see from behind his lap top screen), so I tend to take out my frustration on her the most and usually for doing things that are age appropriate, even if they are naughty. I need help and I need another adult around here and I unfairly get angry at her for not filling that role. She comes home from school with so much energy and I am so tired by that point in the day. And of course she wants attention that I do not currently have the bandwidth to give her so she looks for it by pushing my buttons and testing limits and I snap. But this was a bad snap this morning, and while her behavior was not acceptable, it did not deserve my reaction. Mommy behaved horribly and has no idea how to handle it or assuage this guilt. When I dropped her off at school her little chin was still quivering from crying.
Hmmmm, this is disappointing. I had really hoped that by sitting down and writing this out I would have some sort of epiphany about how to make the situation between her and I lately better. That happens a lot while I write about something that is bothering me. But here I am at the end of my story (which got really really longwinded in its first draft and I promise I have edited down) and no epiphany has come.
I guess I just have to treat tomorrow like the fresh day it is and try even harder. And I did apologize to her for ripping her gloves off. She apologized to me for not listening better and then told me she has a new boyfriend. So she is over it.
But I’m not.
Also, she just came home from school and dropped this nugget of loveliness:
“Mommy, I do not like the mirror. I do not like what I see when I look at it. There is something wrong with me and I don’t like how I look”.
I need a drink.
Or five.